"What...who am I?...what are all these lines everywhe-"
"You're the hero of my story! You need to do something!"
"Well...I don't know. Hero things. What do heroes do?"
"How should I know? I literally came into existence less than a minute ago."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Are you- look, all I know is that I am here, there are random black lines everywhere, I can't move but I can still somehow speak, and...well, I'm guessing that I've been kidnapped and paralyzed by you."
"What? No! Don't be ridiculous. This is a comic book! I created you!"
"Well...yeah! Why's that so hard to believe?"
"It's just that when you imagine a supreme builder of humanity and the creator of a different world, most people probably wouldn't think that he had breath that smelled liked baked beans, a neckbeard that looks like a dead squirrel's giant hairball and....this massive tower that you've just put on my foot. There's...brown stuff leaking out of it and it's gross."
"Oh shit, sorry. That's, uh, my coffee. Heh - god knows I need it."
"Look, sir...I may be taking a wild stab in the dark here, but would I be ever so slightly on the nose if I was to guess that you're single?
"...just a hunch."
"Shut up or I'll erase you out of existence."
"I honestly don't care at this point. I still don't know why you created me or what I'm doing here."
"Oh bloody hell you're right! I should get to work!"
"What work? What...whoa! Where did all of this come from?"
"Well, if I'm going to create the best monomyth ever, our hero is gonna need a home world, isn't he?"
"This is amazing! All this, the huge shiny buildings, all the vehicles, and everyone's smiling, and- wait, can I fly?!"
"Eh, why not. Off you go!"
"There are forests too?"
"Yes, somewhere to go when you're feeling lonely or want to be more introspective. It's good for character development, you see. Makes you seem all dark and brooding and relatable and other shit like that. Pulls in the tween crowd like you wouldn't believe."
"This is great, Mr Neckbeard. I could really stay forever in a city like this..."
"Well, not for long I hope! Haha."
"You're going on an adventure!"
"But, I only just got here-"
"Because if you don't leave then this city will be destroyed by...by...a monster!"
"A huge Godzilla type monster looking for revenge on your parents who are scientists and worked on a secret project to create you in order to destroy him and the death of your parents from a chemical accident made you traumatized because the last time you saw them, you had a fight about the fact that they made you a superhero through their crazy experiments and you feel responsible for their deaths even though it is just part of the prolonged grieving process that you must overcome!"
"Well. Um. It's...nice to know that you've thought my life through."
"I certainly have!"
"Yeah. Right. So, what happens now?"
"You will cross the threshold..."
"What does that mean?"
"You'll leave this place."
"Then...why didn't you just say that?"
"Oh I don't know. It just sounded more epic. Anyways! You're off on your quest to defeat the monster, and I will be your guide through creating the best story I can for you."
"Um, sweet. So how do I leave?"
"You fly off into a triumphant sunset!"
"Seriously? I've existed for less than 30 minutes and even I know that not only is that super cliched but that you haven't even done it right. That's what happens at the end of your dumb story."
"Remind me darling: who's the artist here?"
"Please tell me that this whole escapade isn't just an elaborate plot to pick up chicks."
"Speaking of getting laid, you need a challenge!"
"Right because defeating a giant monster and getting over the extreme burden of my parents' death which may or may not have been kind of my fault isn't enough to deal with."
"No. No it isn't, and if you don't shut up and let me think then I will give you something truly awful to 'deal with'."
"Hey, if you created me to be snarky and sarcastic, then who's fault is it in the end? So many questions..."
"Ssh. Now, instead of a puzzle or a battle, what about having to resist temptation?
"I will lay a beautiful woman in your path, my hero. The most buxom sultry wench you've ever seen in your life, and she will be yours if you only give up your quest for good-"
"Yeah, I'll pass, thanks."
"What? You've made me smart enough to understand sarcasm after only just being created and you think I'd be stupid enough to think with my dick when going to fight a monster and make my dead parents proud by doing what I was created for? You're a bloody moron, sir, but I will admit a rather good artist. She's, uh...she sure is something..."
"You are not making this easy on me."
"Who said writing a good story was easy?"
"Y'know what, I'll come back to that bit later-"
"He says, with high amounts of delusion and optimism-"
"And just skip straight to the fight with the monster-"
"I really don't care about the monster at this point-"
"In which you will use your superpowers-"
"Which you haven't bothered to explain or develop well-"
"OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP. Okay? This is just an outline, and this is my story, you're going to say the things I tell you to say and fight that bloody monster for the reasons I created for you, and there's nothing you can do about it! You are so fucking annoying it beggars belief. I know what you want and why you want it, but why are you so...obstinate? Why can't you just toe the line and be my hero?"
"Because I'm literally you."
"What the fuck?...Is this some crappy Fight Club-like plot twist?"
"Kind of. You didn't actually think your comic book character was talking to you, did you?"
"Jesus Christ you need to get some sleep don't you...
Okay, look. You're basically just arguing with yourself since you already know this is a very shit story but just can't let it go and start over, so you've spent the past hour yelling at a bunch of pencil marks on a piece of paper, pretending you're both yourself and the character in the pencil marks."
"And I'm guessing what has happened is that you're so fucking high in caffeine that you genuinely forgot that for a second."
"You should stop drinking coffee and get into weed. Or alcohol."
"I'll take a break and get myself a shitty Bud Light."
"That's the first good idea you've had all day."